Where Did These Pounds Come From?

I should’ve seen it coming; but it still felt like a slap in the face. How in the world did I gain 58 lbs in 6 years? How did I not notice? I saw that number on the scale increase every time I stepped on it. I guess my eyes just hadn’t caught up to reflect that number in the mirror.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with my weight. As a child, I was bigger than the others both in height and weight. However, when all the other kids went through growth spurts, my height stayed the same and I grew in width. Growing up, I had a poor body image and in return caused me to eat my feelings (this is a whole other story, which I will have to save for another day).  Kids can be mean, and I remember a few instances where I was taunted because I was the “chunky” girl. As I got older, I was accepted more for who I was than what the scale said.

Honestly, I can’t even tell you what I weighed in high school. Part of me believes this is because I didn’t really want to know, I didn’t want to face it. I also cannot count how many times I said, “This is it, I’m going to eat better, I’m going to change…” There was the time; I was vegetarian for a while. There was also the time I tried the South Beach Diet and failed miserably.

In August of 2006, I left the good old state of Nebraska to attend Kansas State University. Unlike, most freshmen, I did not gain the infamous Freshman 15. I actually lost about 12 lbs. This is not because I was making conscious food choices. Believe me; I ate just like everyone else. I drank soda every day, ate more than my share of Pizza Shuttle at 2 A.M., and had dessert every night with dinner. When I returned to school after Christmas break, I became very ill. I was extremely nauseous, to the point of dry heaving every time I ate. If I was able to force feed myself, it came back up within hours.  After months of suffering and weeks of eating nothing but rice cakes and PB&J sandwiches, I was diagnosed with Acid Reflux.  Right after, I came down with an upper respiratory infection. I remember coming home for the weekend and my mom saying, “You’ve lost so much weight, you look sickly.” In reality, I was still overweight but I had lost weight in a very unhealthy way.

In March of 2007, I began a very serious relationship with someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. As with any relationship, you settle in and become “comfortable”. I remained in this relationship for over three years, and I packed on 36 lbs.  Towards the end of the relationship, I began to put a focus on my health. I began following the Weight Watchers program and was seeing results. The breakup was far from pretty and put me in a pretty low place. I remember my mom standing in the doorway of my bedroom saying, “Stephanie, I know this is hard. You can’t let this consume you. Get out of bed and stop this pity party.” Those may seem like simple words to anyone else, but they were exactly what I needed to hear.  For this, and many other reasons I am forever grateful to my mother. I joined a gym and continued to eat healthy. I lost about 20 lbs. As you may know, sometimes losing weight isn’t the hardest part, it’s keeping it off.

I began going out 2-3 times a week and drinking like a fish. This led to late night runs to McDonalds, Taco Bell, etc.  These unhealthy choices caught up with me, I eventually put back on those 20 lbs and then some. At the time, I never really noticed the weight. Yeah, I couldn’t fit into some of my clothes and my current clothes were a bit tight. I was disappointed in myself and disgusted when I looked in the mirror. This was followed by many failed attempts of trying to make healthy decisions and changing my life.

When it comes to weight loss, most people have a huge “A-HA!” moment.  This was not the case for me. It actually sounds a bit silly now that I think about it. I went to lunch at Hy-Vee and had their unlimited salad bar. I remember eating the biggest salad and tons of fruit for “dessert” (if you can even call it that).  I went back to work feeling satisfied, I did not get that mid afternoon hunger bug and didn’t eat any snacks. From day one, it’s drilled into your head about how important it is to eat healthy and how it does wonders for your body. I knew this all along, just had never experienced it until that day. In a way, I was surprised about how good I felt after that meal. The next day, I went back and had the same thing, the rest is history.

I embarked on this crazy journey December 10^th, 2012 and I have not looked back. Sure, I’ve stumbled along the way. I’ve had my incredible highs and defeating lows, yet I’ve still managed to pick myself up and push through. I would be lying if I told you this isn’t the most emotional ride I’ve ever been on.  If you would’ve told me back in December that I would be down 34.8 lbs and learning to love myself, I would’ve laughed in your face. I feel that in 4 short months, I am a completely different person. I am the happiest I have ever been, I feel fantastic, and I now know I have a purpose in life. I’ve learned so much about myself and continue to do so every day. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, I am capable of anything I set my mind to, and I have the most amazing support system anyone could ever ask for.

I am so excited for what the future holds.

-Stephanie